Rebel Without a Cause

In conversation last night the question was asked of me "what could I not live without?" My answer was music.

I am serious about my music. A lot of people use the commute to and from work or school to talk on the phone. Not I. I use it to listen to music.

I had a game night over the house recently and I used Genius on ITunes to make my playlist because I am anal when it comes to them. Like Jay-Z said his albums have a specific arrangement that can take a long time to come up with. I agree that song arrangement on an album or play list is an art. I go to parties or clubs (rarely clubs) but if there is a DJ playing I listen to the sequence of the songs. Its very very important and you will get scratched off as a good DJ for wack sequence. Anyway one of my besties is a DJ/Engineer/Producer and record collector. He know's music and has plenty of it. We share that passion and he has taught me a lot about it. And if I need to know an artist or song he is a wonderful resource. Anyway at the game night he was impressed with my music selections. So much that when it was his turn to host the gathering he was upset I didnt bring my laptop for the music.  I was gassed. Still am, can you tell?

But I need to get my music game up. I know there is so much I have yet to put my ears on. There is so much to fall in love with. Also there is this little thing about me. I often do not know an artist or a title of the song. I can often tell a song by the first few notes. I can also tell things that have benn sampled between songs to link up similar sounding songs. I can often tell the producer since they stick to the same element in their tracks. I also understand that Jay-Z is growing as an artist as he has grown as a person and I do not expect Blueprint 3 to sound like the first one.  But I am sure the people are upset like Gucci man too. Oh well.  Oh and words. I tend to make up my own.  How about.....funny story.... In Slick Rick's song, Mona Lisa, ok so how about the part that goes: "Let me spell my name out for you its Ricky, R Ravishing, I impress, C Couragous..." and he says a line after that I NEVER knew what he said until like 2 weeks ago. he says "C Couragous so Carless"  Ha! I made up my own words and they made no sense to even repeat here.

The things you continue to learn. I don't mind. Music is constantly growing and changing and I'm gonna keep growing and changing with it.

I forgot I have a blog. Sorry vox, twitter has taken my attention. It caresses my attention span with hands of randomness you could never fulfill. 

So I just connected with another ex. This one is a significant ex in my life. He is what I believe my first true love. And at 21, 22 that love was way more than either of us were ready for. So we made some mistakes. I made a lot of mistakes.

Its funny how I connect with a lot of my ex boyfriends. Thats because things may not have worked out but I was in relationship with most that had a big impact in my life. And because of that when they go, its not without a lot of memories going with them. I grew up and experienced life in my relationships. Things people may have did on their own or with friends or family,  I did through the person I was with.

With this ex love, I got my first real job with his help, I left the country for the first time without a parent. I had my one and only New Years in Times Square with him. I had the best Valentine's Day ever with him. I ventured out of Manhattan for the first time on my own since he lived in Long Island. I got my first taste of West Indian culture and sure have had a hard time turning back! lol. We did a lot of great things together as boyfriend/girlfriend and as friends. As I told him, I will never forget him and the things we experienced, good and bad.

Well we had a bad break up and never spoke on good terms. I spent a lot of time wondering if he was the one that got away. Wondering what would have happened between us. I also feel bad for some guys because unfairly, I compared them to him and yea they didn't meet up. So I was unhappy and found my way out of the situation.

Needless to say we are not best friends now. But we talked. Okay messaged. lol. But I said some things, he said some things, and I am thankful for the chance. I want him to know that no matter what happened he will always be a part of my heart. I have moved on and I don't compare him to others since its really not fair. But I am thankful for a lot of things I can think back on and smile, smile, smile.

Elimination Is a natural part of life. I just had to do that in my life. Unnecessary stress and back and forth on bull was just bringing me down. Sometimes people cannot see the wrongs they commit and that's fine. But as individuals we need to evaluate how a situation benefits or hurts us and how we should handle that situation. Often people will try to convince us they are doing things for our own good. And often that it not the case. People are selfish and will tell lies to make the situation beneficial for themselves.  Trust your instinct. Trust how YOU feel in the situation. You should not have to force a good thing. Really. If it has to be forced, if you have to be hurt in it, then it's probably not the right thing for you. And its ok to move on. Do not let anyone make you feel bad for moving on. And yes sometimes other people will get hurt. But you have to take care of yourself. And anyone that says that really care about you, will respect that. Any one that wants to hold on to you and cause you pain by doing so, does not care and never will. Moving on is a good thing and I am glad that I did. 

I can't even explain it. I mean what does it all mean?

Why do I have a high rate of being with people who don't appreciate me until we break up? than I have to spend a lot of time explaining why it will not work. I mean really. why not appreciate people while you have them. And why does this keep happening to me? And yea I can understand if I just gave up on people quick, but I really don't. Often times I tell my friends AFTER the relationship is over, the things I went through and they just shake their head not understanding why I went through what I did.  I believe we all need second chances. We are all human. But after awhile I get very tired. Tired of feeling abused, or taken advantage of, or just having my feelings disregarded.

So now I am torn between, wow am I really that great that your missing what I was in your life, or are you just realizing what a push over I was and you miss the easy life? I guess its easy to be with someone who does not have high expectations of you. Then go out there and meet people who expect you to be a real man and bam, where is Michelle when I need her. But I do have standards. I do have expectations. I just happen to have reasonable ones. Ones that realize we are all human and no one is perfect.  

I don't know what it is. And honestly I am tired of trying to figure it out. .

The other night I got into it with someone because I went on a 2 hour drive to see a friend and decided to take the 2 hour drive back home. At like midnight. In the country. Where it is dark. By myself.  

So at first I held my ground. Because I am a big girl and I can take care of myself. And if something happens I can take care of myself.

But in thinking back it was foolish to do. Anything could have happened. My car could have decided to quit and I would have been on the side of a very dark road. At least two hours from anyone that could help. In the middle of the country. By myself.

Its funny I tell you. I have fear about certain things, and some things I just walk that line. I often think I can't let the "might happen", stop me from doing what I want to do. Yea thank God nothing did happen. And yea you should not stop from doing something because of the possibilites of something bad happening. But you sure can do things to soften that blow. I could have gotten a hotel room. I could have left earlier. I could have taken a friend with me. 

The other day my bestie says to me we need to exchange our important information and contact info within our circle in case of emergency. And yes we need to do that. Because you never know what may happen. I often think I am young and free, but as we get older we are faced so much more with our own mortality. It's rough, but its real.

Oh yea and to the person I got into it with, thank you.

Is being taken advantage of.

It makes me very defensive. Because I hate to feel like someone is playing me. Thinking they have gotten the best of me. They can just take advantage of me and think I will always be here..........waiting............or taking crap.

And I can snap. I have walked away from serious relationships without looking back. I have walked past people and never bat an eye or look in their face like they never existed in my life. I am very very good at protecting myself.

The problem is.... its premeditated protection. Like Ill get you before you get me. Or I will lash out real quick.

dang I sound mean.  But I am really not.

I have to trust my intuition more.  I have to trust my spirit more. I have to trust those quiet times that allow me to feel  what's really going on. My intuition has proved to be right more times than not.

I just listened to a Blog Radio show hosted by The Luvologist titled "Trust me with your Truth." And in it he told some truths about himself, and he also talked about a on line situation he recently went through.

It hit home because truth be told I just went through one too.  I kept most of it to myself because my friends al ready think I spend too much time on line. And when I mentioned the fact I "met" someone I got even more slack.

And I defended it because really just like I am a normal person, and I have met some people who ar enow good friends through myspace, you can meet normal people on line.

But it doesn't always work out that way.  You never know what someone's motive is on line or in person to be honest. And on line its often harder to tell. Because they could be telling you anything all the while sitting in a jail cell.

Thats the crazy thing, I am not against meeting someone on line. But there comes a point where if you say you want to go a step further , then you actually take the step to meet in person.  And If I can't meet you in person because there is always a reason, always a circumstance, always an excuse, always a problem, then I get real skeptical.  Or maybe my life is not that hectic.  Because if I really wanted to meet someone, I can make it happen. I mean I dated someone in Jamaica for about a year.  You make it happen.

Anyway, to all those meeting people on line, know what your getting involved in. It may work and it may not. Know the truth and make sure its a person that can trust you with their truth both on line and in person. 

To blogger. Stay Tuned.

"When our relationships are based on total self-acceptance, we can accept others as they are, love them just as they are, without trying to fix them or expecting them to fix us. In order for our relationships to facilitate healing, we must practice unconditional love of ourselves, family members, friends, and mates. Unconditional love allows us to love someone without expectation, judgement, fear, or the need to be in their face all the time. It enables us to live and love, rather than living just to find someone to love in the hope that they will me us feel lovable." 

-Iyanla Vanzant