The lessons of life

So at church yesterday it was a powerful sermon.  But for the purposes of this blog, I want to share one point.

The preacher talked about being stingy and if your stingy you won't get anything. And he mentioned stingy with your feelings.

I never considered myself stingy with my feelings.  I often give feelings to people who don't even hardly deserve it and thats probably why I have been hurt.  I don't blame the other person, I look to myself for making the decision I did.

But I know since the death of my mother, and other significant losses in a one year time frame, I closed myself up.  I stopped speaking to one of my closest friends. I didn't allow myself to meet new people in a new state where I planned to make a new life for myself. I let some new friends go. It felt so much safer to do that.  I became stingy with my feelings.

But yesterday I realized that how can I expect anyone to open up to me, if I don't open up to them.  I often don't seek help, advice, or even just an ear to listen to me grip about serious stuff.  I deal with everything on my own.   

Its funny I started to use this blog to say some stuff because it feels safe. Like maybe someone will know maybe someone won't. But to me there has always been a safety in writing my feelings down. Like I will write a letter or a email in a minute before I pick up the phone.  

Well the point of all this is to say. I'm really going to work on being open about my feelings. Seeking advise and help and opening myself so that my friends will open themselves to me.   And not just a email or a blog. But picking up the phone and sitting down face to face.