4 posts tagged “death”

I found out one of my friends had a heart attack and died.

The thing is we weren't 'speaking" friends anymore. He stopped speaking to me because I admitted to him that I did not take his call when i knew he was calling me to watch his dog while he went out of town. I told him I needed him to call me for reasons other then to help him out with something and to also not get mad when I couldn't help him. And it's not that he only called when he needed something. I met him around the time my mom passed and he was on the horn to me calling to make sure I was ok. We hung out together. He asked for advise when he was trying to sell his house. He decided to keep it and we decided a pool party was in order.  It was a short time but I have some memories that make me smile, make me sad hes gone.

I tried to make amends, but he was stubborn. We all know that, I knew that. I'm sad because my people are hurting. As stubborn as he was he had a circle of friends that have been close for the last 20 years. I'm sad but my people are hurting, and I am hurting with them.

Although its so easy to say, it is a reminder to take care of yourself, and to take care of your relationships. I'll admit I mess up on the relationship part. But relationships are a two way street. So take the time to call , text email whatever you do and tell someone they are important to you.

Rest in Peace Kevin.

Today has been a rough day. I started a blog about this whole bad thing good people thing because I went to a seminar at church this morning about 'Healing the Brokenness Within."  But I didn't know how to write about what I was thinking or how it made me feel.

I just found out that Shakir Stewart commited suicide today.  How I know him is he just took Jay-Z's position at Def Jam.  My friend just told me, who knew him personally.

My thoughts raced because I think "wow he just became VP of Def Jam. What happened?" 

Thats why today has been rough.  Because no matter what is going on, on the outside, what's in your heart and in your mind can take you anywhere.

I looked him up because I wanted to know more about this person that I am currenly feeling such deep sorrow for. I found an article titled:

"The only executive to successfully make the transition from music publisher to becoming one of the most gifted and highly valued Senior Vice President, A&R's in the music industry."

Again, I am thinking what happened?

The sad thing is that no one will ever really know.  There may be people in his life that knew what he was going through but no one can know the pain he had that lead him to take his life.

So when I look at the statement "bad things happen to good people", I think yes they do.  But how do you convince yourself that it's ok.  How do you stop beating yourself up for the mistakes you made, how do you feel like what you have is enough, how do you forgive yourself, how do you heal the pain inside that no one can see?

I don't believe that someone else can lead you down such a path. People come and go and tear you up emotionally and physically.  But the pain you cause yourself is imaginable.

I don't know his story. And I don't want to speculate.  I feel so sad at the thought that someone was in so much pain they saw no other solution.  

I pray that he is in the peace he was looking for.

I'm going to talk more about the seminar in another post. I'm just trying to sort through it because it is heavily based on religion and I try not to talk religion. 

Rest in Peace Shakir Stewart. I am sorry for your pain.  

Bernie Mac dies this morning in a Chicago hospital from complications of pneumonia.

My friend Trouble and I had this conversation last night about life and death.  Its hard when you lose the people around you and it makes you look at your own mortality. I did not know Bernie Mac, but he did have an effect on my life.  He made me laugh on numerous occasions. 

I sometimes wonder why I am here, and what I am here to do. I know its more then the daily humdrum.  Sometimes I wonder what other people are put here for and are they doing what they are supposed to being doing.  Well I believe Bernie got it right.  He was one funny dude.  I will never forget him on Def Comedy Jam when he came out and was yelling, "I ain't scared of you m*  f*s!" And his part on the Kings of Comedy is my favorite.  He went from Def comedy Jam to movies and always had me laughing.  If it wasn't what he said, it was how he was saying it.    

Lets celebrate Bernie Mac and the laughter he created, doing want he wanted to do and now he can do it with no pain or judgments.  Cheers.

I thought about writing this before the weekend, but decided to wait till it ended so I can genuinely write about how I was feeling.  Saturday June 14 is my moms birthday and today of course is Father's day. Unfortunately both my parents have passed away and hence made the anticipation of the weekend and how I would feel a little uneasy.  It will be two years in July that my mom left so that is much harder then my dad that has been gone for 10 years in December.  I won't say time has made it easy but it has made it easier.  I would cry at the drop of a dime at anything that made me think of my mom.  Now at times I think about how much I miss her and it often makes me cry, otherwise I can think of her with happy memories and maybe shed a tear or two. 

 My sister has been the one going through my moms stuff and let me tell you, my mom has kept everything!  Its really cool because she kept so many things that I did as a child and now looking back on it, it makes me laugh.  A friend of mine said I was a precocious child cause I often said exactly what I was thinking even when I should have held it back. Anyway I decided to sit down and go through some stuff my sister sent me from my mom.  It was cards she had gotten over the years from me and some of my ex-boyfriend's, which was pretty cool, But then I found a poem written to her.  I started to read it and I recognized the handwriting although it never was signed by the person who wrote it.  Amazingly it was also dated 1966. Wow thats old!!!! I can hardly believed the paper is still intact, although barely.  The poem brought tears to my eyes because it just reminded me how much my dad loved my mother.  She was everything to him and although they divorced he never ever had a problem telling me how much he loved her.  I have to say I'm glad my mom was a pack rat.  Finding the letter was just a reminder to me of how my parents felt about each other and now they are togather is a place where there is no judgment based on who they are and the love they have for each other. 

This is dedicated to my parents for making me the person I am, thank you.  I love you very much and I miss you guys very much. 

Letter