39 posts tagged “life”

In conversation last night the question was asked of me "what could I not live without?" My answer was music.

I am serious about my music. A lot of people use the commute to and from work or school to talk on the phone. Not I. I use it to listen to music.

I had a game night over the house recently and I used Genius on ITunes to make my playlist because I am anal when it comes to them. Like Jay-Z said his albums have a specific arrangement that can take a long time to come up with. I agree that song arrangement on an album or play list is an art. I go to parties or clubs (rarely clubs) but if there is a DJ playing I listen to the sequence of the songs. Its very very important and you will get scratched off as a good DJ for wack sequence. Anyway one of my besties is a DJ/Engineer/Producer and record collector. He know's music and has plenty of it. We share that passion and he has taught me a lot about it. And if I need to know an artist or song he is a wonderful resource. Anyway at the game night he was impressed with my music selections. So much that when it was his turn to host the gathering he was upset I didnt bring my laptop for the music.  I was gassed. Still am, can you tell?

But I need to get my music game up. I know there is so much I have yet to put my ears on. There is so much to fall in love with. Also there is this little thing about me. I often do not know an artist or a title of the song. I can often tell a song by the first few notes. I can also tell things that have benn sampled between songs to link up similar sounding songs. I can often tell the producer since they stick to the same element in their tracks. I also understand that Jay-Z is growing as an artist as he has grown as a person and I do not expect Blueprint 3 to sound like the first one.  But I am sure the people are upset like Gucci man too. Oh well.  Oh and words. I tend to make up my own.  How about.....funny story.... In Slick Rick's song, Mona Lisa, ok so how about the part that goes: "Let me spell my name out for you its Ricky, R Ravishing, I impress, C Couragous..." and he says a line after that I NEVER knew what he said until like 2 weeks ago. he says "C Couragous so Carless"  Ha! I made up my own words and they made no sense to even repeat here.

The things you continue to learn. I don't mind. Music is constantly growing and changing and I'm gonna keep growing and changing with it.

So I just connected with another ex. This one is a significant ex in my life. He is what I believe my first true love. And at 21, 22 that love was way more than either of us were ready for. So we made some mistakes. I made a lot of mistakes.

Its funny how I connect with a lot of my ex boyfriends. Thats because things may not have worked out but I was in relationship with most that had a big impact in my life. And because of that when they go, its not without a lot of memories going with them. I grew up and experienced life in my relationships. Things people may have did on their own or with friends or family,  I did through the person I was with.

With this ex love, I got my first real job with his help, I left the country for the first time without a parent. I had my one and only New Years in Times Square with him. I had the best Valentine's Day ever with him. I ventured out of Manhattan for the first time on my own since he lived in Long Island. I got my first taste of West Indian culture and sure have had a hard time turning back! lol. We did a lot of great things together as boyfriend/girlfriend and as friends. As I told him, I will never forget him and the things we experienced, good and bad.

Well we had a bad break up and never spoke on good terms. I spent a lot of time wondering if he was the one that got away. Wondering what would have happened between us. I also feel bad for some guys because unfairly, I compared them to him and yea they didn't meet up. So I was unhappy and found my way out of the situation.

Needless to say we are not best friends now. But we talked. Okay messaged. lol. But I said some things, he said some things, and I am thankful for the chance. I want him to know that no matter what happened he will always be a part of my heart. I have moved on and I don't compare him to others since its really not fair. But I am thankful for a lot of things I can think back on and smile, smile, smile.

Elimination Is a natural part of life. I just had to do that in my life. Unnecessary stress and back and forth on bull was just bringing me down. Sometimes people cannot see the wrongs they commit and that's fine. But as individuals we need to evaluate how a situation benefits or hurts us and how we should handle that situation. Often people will try to convince us they are doing things for our own good. And often that it not the case. People are selfish and will tell lies to make the situation beneficial for themselves.  Trust your instinct. Trust how YOU feel in the situation. You should not have to force a good thing. Really. If it has to be forced, if you have to be hurt in it, then it's probably not the right thing for you. And its ok to move on. Do not let anyone make you feel bad for moving on. And yes sometimes other people will get hurt. But you have to take care of yourself. And anyone that says that really care about you, will respect that. Any one that wants to hold on to you and cause you pain by doing so, does not care and never will. Moving on is a good thing and I am glad that I did. 

The other night I got into it with someone because I went on a 2 hour drive to see a friend and decided to take the 2 hour drive back home. At like midnight. In the country. Where it is dark. By myself.  

So at first I held my ground. Because I am a big girl and I can take care of myself. And if something happens I can take care of myself.

But in thinking back it was foolish to do. Anything could have happened. My car could have decided to quit and I would have been on the side of a very dark road. At least two hours from anyone that could help. In the middle of the country. By myself.

Its funny I tell you. I have fear about certain things, and some things I just walk that line. I often think I can't let the "might happen", stop me from doing what I want to do. Yea thank God nothing did happen. And yea you should not stop from doing something because of the possibilites of something bad happening. But you sure can do things to soften that blow. I could have gotten a hotel room. I could have left earlier. I could have taken a friend with me. 

The other day my bestie says to me we need to exchange our important information and contact info within our circle in case of emergency. And yes we need to do that. Because you never know what may happen. I often think I am young and free, but as we get older we are faced so much more with our own mortality. It's rough, but its real.

Oh yea and to the person I got into it with, thank you.

So many times we look to outside sources for the answers.

It could be a book, Oprah, your parents, your friends. Well you think about stuff but you want someone else's opinion and that's cool. It's always good to get a different perspective.

But you ever go to someone for some answers and they just ask you a lot of questions? That has happened to me and I have gotten frustrated. I tell you a lot comes with maturity. Because I realized today that its the questions you get asked that make you look within yourself for the answers that you seek.

I was talking to someone about a book they wrote and he explained that it has a lot of questions. I was weary about buying the book because I hate reading what another person thinks I should do with my life. They don't live my life how do they know. But he explained it asks a lot of questions to help you look within yourself and what your going through. Funny enough I bought a book on Friday and all it is, is questions to ask yourself so you can learn more about who you are to be able to share that with another person.

I learned today I need to stop looking for answers and start asking questions. I mean its cool to look for help or a different perspective. But really I need to sit down and ask myself important questions and come up with my own answers. Because someone is going to look to me for an aswer and I want to be able to give it to them. Especially when its about me!

What happen to the days of wanting something and working hard to go after it?

Are we as people so comfortable it sitting back and waiting for things to happen to us? Do we automatically assume things should be given to us just because we want it?

I mean I believe part of the financial mess we are in is because people focus on the want and not on the how. Like I want this big ass house but how can I afford it. Just because they give you a mortgage does not mean you can actually afford the up keep. Same for a car. Sure you can afford the car payments but what happens when that bad boy breaks down? Yea I am learning that one from experience.

I was not given anything while I was growing up. Everything I wanted I had to work for it. No one gave me anything. When I got older I had this attitude that "well now I get what I want because I go to work to get it." But still I didnt really work for it. Buying stuff on credit and just buying stuff to have it. So I got hit with some low points to rememebr anything worth having you have to work hard for it.

Anything. Whether its a person, place or thing. If you want it you have to put your best effort to achieve it, succeed at it or do what you can to make it yours.  Sometimes that means putting yourself on the line, or making sacrifices. Sometimes it means giving up something else. You have to know your priorites and what it is you want, what is important to you. In the end if what your striving for is worth it, everything will come full circle and the puzzle will be complete.

I hate drama. I hate to start it, be in it, get caught in. I mostly hate it in my life.

I have had some drama. and I hate it so much I shame from it. From talking about it, or even admitting to people that it happened in the first place.

Part of the shame was feeling like "something must be wrong with me" if I have drama.  And I didn't want to be that story.

But I realized that bad things happen to good people. Sometimes a lot of bad things happen to good people. Sometimes its like a chain reaction of bad things. And it sucks. And I admit when some things happened I ran.  But when it got real bad, I faced my demons and dealt with them.  Somethings only break you if you let them.

I refuse to let things break me. I am not a bad person. In my life I spend more time doing what I should be doing. I spend time helping others to do the things I believe they can do. I mess up. I have messed up.  But I can bounce back. I have bounced back from a lot. With God on my side and people who support me for who I am I can do anything.

I am extremely happy right now. I have not been this happy in a long time. Like 3 years long time.  Over the past 3 years I have had happy moments.  I said the other day to someone, I want to be happy, not just have happy moments. It was hard to explain, but easy to say because I know what I felt in my heart. Or didn't feel for that matter. In a happy moment, you cling to the moment because you know when it's done, things will be blah again. The laugh you laugh is shallow because its just a surface laugh that comes and go. You cry at something sad really quick because you're crying inside and now you have a valid reason to let it show. But people wonder why you are crying so hard at the drop of a dime.

Last night I went out and laughed so hard that people in the restaurant looked at me. And I am so happy I didn't care.

I been laughing for the last couple of weeks. A lot. And "deep from my gut" laughing.

I been doing some crying.  It's been tears of joy because I think "wow, how amazing."

I actually used the word "amazing" to describe someone. And believe it.

Conversations that last for hours feel like they go by soooo quick and I still want more.

I hear a love song and believe that love could be me.

I am thanking God everyday for what he has done for me. For bringing the people in my life that he has, both old and new. I am especially thankful for the new, because I am not only in a happy moment, but my soul is happy.

Well in a very recent conversation, or DM lol, the topic of someone being in a slump came up.

I can admit I was in a slump.  A bad one. A long one.

And before not only did I not want to admit that slump, but I didn't want to admit how things got out of control because of that slump.

Sometimes things in life just knock us down. Knock us out.  I always had it together. Meaning I got accomplished what I had in my mind to do. I planned and organized how things should be. For example in college, I told my counsel my whole course plan and how I was going to graduate in four years with the major  and two minors that I wanted.  And I did it.  I started graduate school for one program and followed the program that I really wanted after I realized I needed to change it. And I stopped going when I realized I was going for the wrong reason.  Thats how I lived.

Then it all came crashing down. It was a chain of events that started with a job loss.  Now I didn't think this would happen so I didn't have a back up plan.   And it messed me up. It messed my up professionally because I felt like I had a flaw on my record now.  It messed me up financially because I had great credit and that went down. Because when funds are limited you pay what you have to and credit cards are not a have to. I started work again but it was catch up for a long time. I then decided to move. When I moved I was paying for two places and still playing catch up.  It was hard.  Then things got better. I sold my place. I had money to catch up and finally get straight.  But then my mom died. From there it was down hill. Catch up wasn't on my mind. Escape from it all was how lived. And I lost another job while I was at my mothers bedside.

I actually had no intention of writing about all this. But I am letting go of the shame for making mistakes. For not thinking things through. For letting a lot of things go.  But my mom died and nothing mattered anymore. And I am tired of feeling like that is such a bad thing.

The real point of this was to say that people go through crap. And as people in the lives of those that go through crap you have to be there for them. You can help by motivating them. For sharing how you too in your life messed up and you don't judge them for their mistakes. You motivate them by showing them that you brushed yourself off and encouraging them to do the same. Sometimes those have went through the fire need more then a shoulder. I appreciate the shoulder, but I appreciate those fellow crap survivors.

I just came out of a situation where I received a lot of support but I didn't feel like there was a true understanding of what its like to go through the fire.  And granted some people in life didn't go through a whole lot. And thats cool.  But I have learned to not be ashamed of everything, good and bad that I went through because maybe I can help someone else.

Welcome to March. And wow this year feels like it is zipping by. Hit some rough patches early on. But hey I know there going to be those great patches!.

Finding old friends, making some new ones.

I am focused on the gym.  Well I should say I am focused on my fitness, for real.  It's gonna include eating better because I have come to realize what I eat really messes with my skin. It funny as a teenager my skin was good  and now as an adult it sucks to have adult acne. But I also dont have those home cooked meals I used to have.  And as I think about it, I did not eat fast food like I am inclined to do now. That has got to stop. I am also incorparating running and hiking in my fitness plan. Yay!!!

I'm focused on getting my money better. Its hard because while I am not a shopaholic, I am a travelholic! But I have been doing really well with not buying lunch more then once a week and Ill even cut that out.

I'm excited about it getting warmer and getting out and about more, having more get togethers at my house and just haivng a good time with life.

I feel excited about things and I hope you are too!!!