15 posts tagged “relationships”

So I just connected with another ex. This one is a significant ex in my life. He is what I believe my first true love. And at 21, 22 that love was way more than either of us were ready for. So we made some mistakes. I made a lot of mistakes.

Its funny how I connect with a lot of my ex boyfriends. Thats because things may not have worked out but I was in relationship with most that had a big impact in my life. And because of that when they go, its not without a lot of memories going with them. I grew up and experienced life in my relationships. Things people may have did on their own or with friends or family,  I did through the person I was with.

With this ex love, I got my first real job with his help, I left the country for the first time without a parent. I had my one and only New Years in Times Square with him. I had the best Valentine's Day ever with him. I ventured out of Manhattan for the first time on my own since he lived in Long Island. I got my first taste of West Indian culture and sure have had a hard time turning back! lol. We did a lot of great things together as boyfriend/girlfriend and as friends. As I told him, I will never forget him and the things we experienced, good and bad.

Well we had a bad break up and never spoke on good terms. I spent a lot of time wondering if he was the one that got away. Wondering what would have happened between us. I also feel bad for some guys because unfairly, I compared them to him and yea they didn't meet up. So I was unhappy and found my way out of the situation.

Needless to say we are not best friends now. But we talked. Okay messaged. lol. But I said some things, he said some things, and I am thankful for the chance. I want him to know that no matter what happened he will always be a part of my heart. I have moved on and I don't compare him to others since its really not fair. But I am thankful for a lot of things I can think back on and smile, smile, smile.

"When our relationships are based on total self-acceptance, we can accept others as they are, love them just as they are, without trying to fix them or expecting them to fix us. In order for our relationships to facilitate healing, we must practice unconditional love of ourselves, family members, friends, and mates. Unconditional love allows us to love someone without expectation, judgement, fear, or the need to be in their face all the time. It enables us to live and love, rather than living just to find someone to love in the hope that they will me us feel lovable." 

-Iyanla Vanzant

So many times we look to outside sources for the answers.

It could be a book, Oprah, your parents, your friends. Well you think about stuff but you want someone else's opinion and that's cool. It's always good to get a different perspective.

But you ever go to someone for some answers and they just ask you a lot of questions? That has happened to me and I have gotten frustrated. I tell you a lot comes with maturity. Because I realized today that its the questions you get asked that make you look within yourself for the answers that you seek.

I was talking to someone about a book they wrote and he explained that it has a lot of questions. I was weary about buying the book because I hate reading what another person thinks I should do with my life. They don't live my life how do they know. But he explained it asks a lot of questions to help you look within yourself and what your going through. Funny enough I bought a book on Friday and all it is, is questions to ask yourself so you can learn more about who you are to be able to share that with another person.

I learned today I need to stop looking for answers and start asking questions. I mean its cool to look for help or a different perspective. But really I need to sit down and ask myself important questions and come up with my own answers. Because someone is going to look to me for an aswer and I want to be able to give it to them. Especially when its about me!

I was talking last night about meeting new people and they are not always honest about their current situation. Like the fact they are married and things of that nature. It reminded me of a story that was just so funny and solidifies that people don't really think.

So I met this guy and he was being upfront about his interest in getting to know me. Seemed like a cool dude so one day he was around my way and I invited him over. He comes into my house and of course I have pictures up of my family and friends. So there is one picture up with me and my dearest friend. So he says" hey is that your friend?" (Um no I'm just in a picture with her that is posted on my bookcase.)  "Yep, why?" And he proceeds to tell my he knows her from college and confirms her name and some other information. Cool.

Few day later I talk to my friend and say, "Hey you remember so and so? He came over, we were kicking it and he saw your pic and mentioned that he knew you."  So my friend does remember him and then it gets funny.

"But what is he doing in your house", she asks.

So of course my response is "Why?" and she tells me that he is recently married. A mutual friend of theirs went to the wedding.

You. Big. Dummy. Now I did confront him with the information I received and of course things changed.  He wasn't trying to holla, he just thought I was cool. And the reason he wasn't wearing his wedding band?  Its platinum and hes allergic to it. HA!  But the funny part is why would he admit to knowing my friend? If he had kept his mouth I would not have known.

I love when people dig their own holes. It makes it so much easier to cover them up with dirt.

I found this quote on my friends facebook page:

"Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take."
-- Anthony Robbins

It's so simple.  Boy meet girl and gives to make girl happy.  Girl meets boy and gives to make boy happy. Girl is happy because she is getting what she needs/wants/desires from boy. Boy is happy because he is getting what he needs/wants/desires from girl. Girl is happy because Boy is happy. Boy is happy because Girl is happy. Its a happy circle.

Do you see your relationship as a place that you go to give?

That would be my ex. Long story short he cheated on me. We are still friends because he is a good guy, just not a good boyfriend. And I have learned to not always hold grudges.

So yesterday we texted briefly because I put a picture up of us on facebook. I did it because he loves pictures and we had tons together. So when we broke up I took all the pictures in a box and cut them in half. I kept the half of me and gave him back his half. Hey it made me feel better. So I knew he has only a few left if any. Well I found one that my mom had. And we both look so young. 

Anyway this is the conversation:

Me: i put a picture of you on facebook.

Him: smh..oh my

Me: haha! You saw it? we look so young and in love.

Him: I still love you.

Me: I will always love you. I just don't love a cheater.

Him: Me either.

I fell out!!!! he is such a fool.  Deny it to the end I guess. To bad the result of his cheating was a child. Kind of hard to deny that.

Why is it we can move past somethings and not others? Most people can't understand why I even still speak to him.  I guess because it takes more energy to hate him. And I would NEVER go back to him. And he is aware of this.

So I recently made a decision about something and I have been going back and forth on whether it was the good one.

Well after lots of conversations with lots of different people, I have come to see that I did make the right decision.

I am so thankful for people who keep it real with me. Who tell me when I am wrong or just give me a different perspective.

And of course thanks to my litebrite twin goldie. She mentioned refocusing the other night and it made me smile.

Sometimes we as people have stuff to work through. And yea I'll admit I need to do that.  But I am not going to feel bad about it. And really anyone who makes you feel bad about it sucks. Nobody is perfect, so get over yourself. Anyway, I'm in the process of refocusing.

And again thanks to so many people who have my back, remind me of the positive qualities I have, and do the little things.

I am big on little things and I so appreciate them.

Thank you.

I want to thank Dwayne cause he asked me a question, and I answered it, in well form. I was able to finally express how I feel about a situation. So here  I am to share it. And yea its long but well worth it. I think anyway.

Everyday we as people are growing and learning. Ask old old people. They will say there are still learning things. 

So everyday is a learning and growing process.

We as people are not perfect. We make mistakes. We sometimes do things that hurt ourselves, and hurt other people.  Often times, I believe, we don't do things to purposely hurt people, we just don't think.  Thats were the learning and growing come in.

We all have our own individual walk in life, and in this walk we interact with others who have their own individual walk. Those two paths coming together result in many different things, things of which are good and bad.

One thing I know for sure. When my path crosses with anyone I will not allow:

Someone who ALWAYS has to defend themselves. Its ok to admit your wrong, especially when you are wrong.  And in defending yourself, you will NOT be allowed to put me down or say what I did wrong to defend yourself. YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO TO THROW ME UNDER THE BUS TO TRY TO MAKE YOURSELF THE BETTER PERSON IN THE SITUATION.

I will not deal with someone who will not accept any responsibility for what they contribute to the sitation. If you are gonna pat yourself on the back when you do something good,  make sure you look at the error of your ways as well.

I will not deal with someone who cannot acknowledge how I feel.  Listen you don't have to agree with it. You don't have to like how I feel.  But you must repect that I feel a certain way. Listen to what I am saying. Work on empathy for what I am expressing. Everyone thinks about sympathy. Try empathy as well.  

Google search of defintion of empathy: Empathy is the capacity to recognize or understand another's state of mind or emotion. It is often characterized as the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes", or to in some way experience the outlook or emotions of another being within oneself.

Finally is judgement.  Don't think because you can't "fix" what you think is wrong with that person, that person now needs help. Don't think because you don't understand how a person functions, that something is wrong with them. Just because someone does not see or do things the same way you see and do them, they need to be transformed into how you function.  Listen if you don't like something, realize it is not going to change and ask YOURSELF can you deal with it. Bottom line. Don't try to change people to fit into your box. 

And I admit in my life I have done these things with people. I have learned hard lessons of losing good people because I messed up.  At a point in your life you need to say "do I want to be right, or do I want to me happy?"

I want to be happy. Really and Truly.  

Well funny enough this week on the radio has been relationship week.  and I have been thinking a lot about them.  I have been thinking a lot about myself as a person.

I realized that when it comes to relationships I have with males I am very aggressive and I am very passive in female relationships.  Its really weird. 

Whenever I am with my female friends I make it a point to keep my opinion to myself and play the sidelines.  When I am around guys I am very aggressive. I will speak up more and laugh louder. I often try to control the situation.  When I was in NY we were hanging out at a bar.  At one point there was this guy there that was drunk.  I kindly told him he was going to by me a drink as well, told the bartender to give me the check for the guy, then I handed the check to the guy and told him to give me his credit card so I could pay for my drink.  Yea he was drunk and I was taking advantage but I would never do this around my girlfriends. I would let one of them do something like that and Ill just play the cut.

Well I am really going to try to balance that out.  Its weird because I guess as hard as this is to admit but I have insecurities around other women.  I don't know where that comes from. I dont know.

I often had this question in my head.  But I believe if you really want to do something, its not hard at all

V-day is coming up.  Ill be hanging out with my other single friends. But for those of you that are coupled up I wanted to share some things you can do to show some love.  And also to say it shouldn't be a holiday to show the person you care about different ways you care.  And for anyone who ever felt guilty about wanting these things and not being happy with someone who doesn't do them, you have a right to be unhappy. Don't feel quilty. You deserve what you want and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Inexpensive Ways to Say “I Love You”

Write your lover an original, romantic poem (no matter how bad or sappy it is!)

Give your lover a romantic massage

Take an evening to learn all about your lover’s hobby or unique interest

Prepare a romantic meal for your lover (even if you’re a lousy cook)

Tell your lover how much you enjoy waking up to them in the morning as soon as you wake up

Buy flowers for your lover’s mother to thank her for bringing such a special person into the world

Clean your lover’s car for them

Make a romantic scrapbook full of pictures showing your lover as a kid growing up and give it to them as a present

Make your lover a romantic CD of songs that are special to you

Find out your lover’s favorite drink and become a master at making it

Say “I’m proud of you” to your lover

Loys more can be found here 101 Ways to Say I love you